


The Ex

by Lilablassblau



Category: Castle
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Past Relationship(s), alternative universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-20
Updated: 2016-04-20
Packaged: 2018-06-03 12:04:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6610045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilablassblau/pseuds/Lilablassblau
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When he walked back into his life, he noticed his well fitted suit and that his eyes were still as blue as he remembered them. Gone were the leather jackets and the always slightly messy hair. As was that happy, big smile he used to be greeted with.</p><p>“Espo, this is Kevin Ryan from Narcotics. He will help us with the O’Brian-case. Ryan, Javier Esposito.” Before he turned away, the Cap turned. “Uh, Espo, try not to hit on him right away.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Ex

**Author's Note:**

> As always thanks to my lovely beta Detective Rysposito.

When he walked back into his life, he noticed his well fitted suit and that his eyes were still as blue as he remembered them. Gone were the leather jackets and the always slightly messy hair. As was that happy, big smile he used to be greeted with.

“Espo, this is Kevin Ryan from Narcotics. He will help us with the O’Brian-case. Ryan, Javier Esposito.” Before he turned away, the Cap turned. “Uh, Espo, try not to hit on him right away.”

Kevin watched him closely. “Why is that?” He asked with a tight smile on his face.

Montgomery chuckled. “Let’s face it, so far every guy he ever introduced to us could have been your brother. Please, tell me you did not date his brother.”

Espo offered a weak chuckle. “Nah, we good. Ryan, welcome to the 12th.”

And just like that he had messed up this much anticipated meeting. He had always known that they would meet again, both New Yorkers at heart, both members of the NYPD, he being Detective, never doubted for a second that Kevin would be one - of course they would run into each other. Very likely during a case. And now, after many could haves he had not even acknowledged how close they used to be. The tired, sad, but mostly accepting smile was so very little, but told him so much.

The next days were awkward, but only for Javier. Kevin was quick on his feet. Quick enough to impress hard to impress Beckett. And of course, Kevin liked to theorize with Castle. Javier used to wonder over the last two years since Castle’s arrival how much Kevin would have fitted into their misfit team.

They got along like a house on fire. Spinning crazy theories, giggling over stupid nerd trivia and after the second day even going out on a beer together as if they had been friends for years.

By day six, he was brave enough to face Kevin alone at the coffee-machine. “You got some good stuff here,” Kevin smiled at the steaming cup. To anyone else it looked normal, but to Javier this was his deeply wounded ex, just holding his head up high despite it all.

So, he tried to repair a tiny bit of the damage he had caused. “Kevin, look, back then--.”

“Don’t!” And there was the vulnerable Kevin he had known, the man that according to Javier's own mother had cried while handing back the keys to the apartment they had shared since their academy days. His letter he had brought over as well had tear marks, but stated clearly he wanted no contact anymore, no reconciliation, nothing.

“Javi, you had a couple of choices six days ago. And your choice was to renounce me just like you had, when we’ve been together. So, save it. In a few days I’m gone and out of your life again, just like you always wanted. So, please, don’t say whatever you feel the need to say, I don’t want to hear it.” There was anger, but mostly resignation. He reached out suddenly, squeezing Javier’s shoulder.

“At least I know you have not forgotten me,” he mumbled, but suddenly let his hand sink again, taking his cup and marching out. At the entrance of the break room stood Beckett.

On sunday, Beckett cornered him at a bar.

“He is the one!”

It was not even a question. Of course, Kevin was the one. From college on, through his tour, then the academy until their first year at the NYPD, Kevin had always been the one to stand by his side. And then Javier, painfully obvious hispanic Javier, tried to fit in so desperately and Kevin did not understand. White, Irish kid from a cop-family, how could he? So, he was gay? Well, one flaw, but Esposito already was off by default.

And then the fighting started, wounded silence was followed by lies until Kevin ran into him at that bar, where he had to watch his boyfriend of four years kiss this strange girl. When Javier saw him, Kevin had this wide eyed and terribly sad look upon his face. Javier could literally watch his heart break right in front of him. Despite all their fights, as far as Kevin was concerned, they were still in it together. They were still partners every step of the way, despite Javi insisting for them to remain a secret. One monster fight later, and Kevin was gone forever.

“Yeah,” he just said to Beckett as she knew their story, but had never met Kevin.

“I like him,” she stated next, Javier smiling faintly. Of course, who would not?

On their eighth day, Kevin shoved him from the line of fire, landing on top of him. And yeah, when they stumbled through the door to Kevin's apartment later that night, he vaguely recalled that maybe they should have talked first. And he definitely should not have ran out during the night.

“Javier, have I taught you nothing?” It was his mother that called him the next day and had put her foot down.

Kevin Ryan had come in during his break and had said goodbye to everybody at the 12th but Javier. Castle had shook his head, when he had come back in. “Good going, buddy,” he had mumbled and then avoided him for the rest of their day.

Yes, apperantly Kevin had called ‘mami’. And mami was furious. He knew, he had to go to her place and calm things down. What he had not expected, was Mama Ryan, sitting in the kitchen, lifting an elegant blond eyebrow.

“Hello, Javi.”

Both mothers sat him down.

“Kevin came to dinner today and he was a mess. My boy was moody and snappish and even ignored his nephew and niece, to sulk. Last time he had done that, was when he had broken up with you.” She took a good sip from her delicate porcelain cup and fixed her glare on him again. “Are you aware that now he thinks it’s him?”

Javier’s heart jumped up his throat.

“You are obviously out, but still sneak out at night. And after he stopped lamenting your choice of shirts, he just wanted to know ‘why’?” And for the love of God, despite him being a chatterbox and a bit of a know-it-all, I could not tell him either. So, Javi, enlighten me, what’s wrong with my son?”

Her son was too perfect to be true and the fact that after all those years, he still had a thing for him, excited and terrified him all at once.

“Especially since all your later boyfriends seem to be a copy of him?”

He now saw a few pictures on the table, of Ethan, Mason and yes even Frederik, all of them undeniable clones of one Kevin Ryan. His abuela even took to number them. Kevin II, III and IV. None of the guys were that pleased about it and only Mason vaguely bought into the ‘I just have a type’-explanation.

Caroline sighed that very distinct Caroline Ryan sigh. “Listen, Javi, I used to like you two together, you did my son some good, getting his head out of the clouds, but then you got caught up in the white, straight boy’s club that can be the NYPD sometimes. And I understand that had to be hard. Still, I think you are sorry for what happened, very sorry and you just freaked out, remembering all the fights, we all do--” Javi’s mami nodded her head emphatically “-- but you were much younger, more caught up in yourself. I think, if you would sit down and talk about it, work with each other, instead against each other, it could work.”

Javier groaned. “He hates me now, more then ever actually.”

This time both women shook their heads. “Have you listened to anything Caro just said there? Kevin thinks it’s all on him. He would love to hear that you actually like him for more than a roll in the hay.”

So, at day eleven after their reunion, he stood in the 44th, asking his way through to narcotics until he stood in front of his team, who took one quick look at him, then the grim, dark-haired one grunted something at the women next to him and everybody aimed their glares at him. “Looking for Ry?”

“Is that the blueprint for all the losers Kevin drags to our bar-nights?” Curly, bright-grinning guy nudged the blonde woman, who snorted. “That’s the one.”

“We should throw him out,” Curly suggested and earned a head-slap from Grim for that. “He is in the multimedia-room. Fourth to the left.” Javier nodded and then turned. “Esposito, right?”

He turned again.

“Don’t mess it up again.”

“Got it!”

“I think I like him.”

“You liked Ramón, Kals.”

“Kals likes everyone Ry likes.”

“Guys, meth-lab--.”

The voices died down, when he stepped into the multimedia room. Kevin sat at the computer to the right, blowing up a picture of some security footage, moving its angles, then went to the next. He worked so quickly, it was dizzying to watch. And of course, there were the crinkles on his forehead, the slightly opened mouth and the headphones had messed up the neatly gelled hair, he had rolled up his sleeves, no jacket, but grey waistcoat, while he was half slouching on his chair. In one word - he looked hot.

“You gonna stand there all the day and admire the view or you gonna tell me what gave me the honor of your visit?”

Kevin’s eyes were still firmly focused on the screen in front of him.

“Maybe I’d like to admire some more?”

Now, he gave him a sideway glance.

“Kevin, I saw Caro yesterday.”

Kevin kept clicking through the footage, eyes firmly on the screen again. “Yeah? My mother Caroline Ryan, that Caro?”

“Wouldn’t know any other. Anyway, my mother had her over and Caro seemed to be concerned about your well-being.”

The screen switched in scenery, now there was an abandoned alley. “Ah of course, and we can’t have Caro Ryan being concerned about anything, now can we?”

Javier bit his lips, suppressing the sigh and eyeroll. He had forgotten what a passive-aggressive bitch Kevin could be.

“Kevin, come on, running out on you--.”

“No, no, I get it. It was a hard case, we both needed to blow off some steam. I guess you find me physically pleasing enough. Only mentally challenged guys would assume this is the beginning of something deeper.”

“Kevin, come on--.” The noise of the printer interrupted him.

Kevin jumped up to fish out his printings. “And here we go: our suspect - with the victim.” He hold up a big picture of two men clearly arguing, a pleased smile on his face.

“Kevin, could we maybe not--.”

And he moved to the desk again. “What’s with the sudden ‘Kevin’-thing anyway? Didn’t we agree, and with we I mean of course you, on our surnames? Ryan, Espo?” He still would not meet his eyes, picking up things, moving swiftly around him.

“Kevin, for fuck’s sake. I’m trying to apologize to you here. I should not have run off during the night and clearly, by your mom’s own account, you expected more of me.”

“Ah, well, I see. Guilty as charged. I guess then I am mentally challenged after all.”

Okay, this was getting nowhere. He stepped next to him, crowding in on him, grabbing on to his elbow. That’s when Kevin leaned backwards, and for the first time, really looked at him. “Let me go, right now.”

Javier lifted his hand and took a deep breath. “I came here to apologize.”

“Yeah, well, too little too late,” Kevin brittled.

“Our mothers seem to think otherwise.”

Now, whatever it was, this seemed to be the tipping point as Kevin whirled around to glare at him. “Okay, yes. I was stupid enough to assume that you had the decency not to treat me like a random guy you pick up late at night. The Javi I knew might have been a coward, when it came to acknowledge our relationship, but he was not careless. I was at least something to him, whatever it was, I knew I meant something to him.”

And there - right at the end was the defeated, yet slightly broken tone Javier always had treated. He could handle yelling, snapping and bitching, the raw disappointment though, he could never deal with. “I was an idiot.”

“You were supposed to be better than that,” Kevin interrupted him with a snap, making Javier’s eyes go wide. Realizing his slip, Kevin took a step back and when Javier tried to reach out to him, he held up his arms.

“Looking back at it, I understand how much you were struggling with what they expected from you and what I was pushing for. And we were much too young. Hell, I was acting like a moody teenager half the time. I get that, now. I never thought you were a bad person though, Javi. I always thought that without this fucked up society, your loser of a father and if I actually had turned out to be to a cute blonde, we would be married by now.”

He fumbled with his files, his eyes now firmly on the ground. “Two years ago, I ran into an ex of yours, he mentioned you taking him to an office-party. I was fucking pissed at first, but then I was happy you seemed to be at a better place.”

He let out a nervous laugh, shaking his head. “And, and meeting you again, I -- I guess I assumed again that maybe, this time, we could at least be civil to each other. You know like grown-ups do it. And I put on my best suit and envisioned you gaping at me, and maybe not telling everybody about us, but maybe there would be a sentimental smile, maybe a bit of teasing.”

He shook his head, lifting his face towards him and then shrugged. “But then you did not even acknowledge that we knew each other. It was like college and the academy and that fucking bar all over again and you know the worst part? It felt exactly like it did back then. And just like the 18-year old in me, I still crushed on you. The 32 year-old in me knew exactly, where it would end up, but when it comes to you I have no defenses unless I have some distance. And then of course, you just needed a fuck and of course I felt all broken up about it again, crying the whole fucking morning, and Gwenny having to come over and kick my ass out of the house. All this, even though I swore myself I would not let you or anyone else do this to me again.”

His hands were in fists and he looked so small, lost and angry at himself, it was just not right. He remained where he was though. Knowing that Kevin was this close to crying, but was trying so hard to appear in control. He would not forgive Javier, if he took that away from him as well.

“So, please, Javier, don’t do this to me again. I thought I could handle you, us or not us, but my heart already is this shrivelled up thing with too many cracks in it and I don’t know if I can put it back together if you break it again.”

He hugged the files to his chest, and sniffed. “I mean, I get it. First big love, I guess you can’t help it being stuck on the expectations of a 18-year-old. Just, maybe you could do this 18-year-old the favour and show him that not everything he thinks about you was wrong. For old times sake, yes?”

He held out his hand.

Kevin had naturally expected him to be better. Despite it all, he still had put him on a pedestal and thought his ex was better than that. And he obviously tried so very hard to be above all the petty arguments and be the grown up he thought himself to be.

“Kevin,” Javier tried once again.

“Please, at least that, give me at least that.”

Javier wanted to hug him, but instead with a nod, took his hand. Kevin shook it, breathing out deeply. “It was nice seeing you again. You are a great cop,” he said with a firm voice.

“Right back at you, colleague.”

Kevin nodded, a smile on his face that was not really there.

 

***************************************************

  
Javier was miserable for a week. Then Kevin ended up abducted, his colleague murdered. At first, they just thought it was a drug deal gone wrong, until they found out their vic was from robbery back from the 54th and he had worked with the Narc-division from the 44th, in fact they had put their best guy into the field. The victim had not been too clever, ended up killed and their best man was gone.

Kevin Ryan was God knows where and the 44th teamed up with homicide from the 12th. Both teams wanting their colleague and friend back.

Javier felt close to crying or punching someone, probably both, when yet another lead turned out to be a dead-end. He had to be dragged away by Kate from the drug dealer.

When they found him, it was four days later and Kevin was dehydrated and obviously not quite there because of the high-running fever the non treated gunshot wound had caused. As it turned out, Kevin had been too good in his role as the drug-dealer and all they had wanted was to find out what crew he was running for before they killed him too. Before they achieved that, three of the four were caught by the police.

The fourth, figuring Kevin was his only free-out-of-jail-card, had holed himself up in that rundown motel. Together with a nervous tick to put his gun at Kevin’s head.

Castle had rushed to the still cuffed detective, while the cops around secured the scene. He ripped the tape from the man’s mouth and then put a soothing hand on Kevin’s good left shoulder. Kevin only blinked up in confusion and clearly delirious.

When Kevin finally spoke up, Kal, Morgan, David from the 44th and Javier, Kate and Castle from the 12th all breathed a sigh of relief. Of course then it became clear how high of a fever he was running. His “Hey.” was followed up by a mumbled “I don’t wanna get up, Dad.”

Castle chuckled despite it all. “Don’t worry, buddy, you won’t have to.”

Kevin closed his eyes and then nodded. After a short silence, he spoke again, “Hey, Dad?”

Castle visibly debated with himself if he should correct his delirious friend, but then just left it at a “Yeah?”

“Remember what Mom told us, when we were little? About that special someone and, and you just know that, that someone is it?”

Castle looked up, Kevin had his eyes still closed. Beckett understood though and ushered everybody out, intend to keep Kevin’s later mortification to a minimum, but Kevin was too fast.

“What if that someone does not love you back?” It was a weird stage whisper, the way only Kevin would do it, while clearly out of his mind.

It would have been funny, in any other circumstance, but how do you laugh at a guy who went through hell the last days and all his mind provided him with was more pain. Instead there was an awkward silence as everyone knew who their friend meant.

Javier cleared his voice, going right back to the bed and kneeling next to him.

“Yo, partner,” he said, quietly.

“Javi? Is it time to get up?” Javi exchanged worried looks with Castle.

“Kevin, you were shot, but we got you now. I got you now. You’ll be back on your feet in no time.”

Kevin blinked at him, then nodded. Then, “Javi, why are you in my bedroom?”

Javi bit back a curse. Where was that damn bus?

“Did I come onto you again? I swear I did not mean it.”

“And if you did, I’d love to,” Javi shrugged his shoulders, which prompted a dopey smile then a frown.

“Javi?”

By now, he expected anything. “Yeah, Kev?”

“I think there are more people here. Hey, Castle. Uh, Beckett. Morgan? Kal? Oh, look, it’s Dave. Javi, I think they might have heard that,” he hissed, loudly.

Which now prompted chuckles all around.

“Good, then they know I called dibs on you.”

“Jesus, finally,” they heard Kal behind them sigh.

And then the medics finally came in and rushed in to help Kevin.

Javi came to visit every day. Kevin only remembered bits and pieces. Still, Javi did all he could to make sure, Kevin knew it was not a fluke. And he meant to take it slowly, but Kevin just dragged him inside giggling the first night they went out together.

  
****************************************************

  
Kevin woke up the next day, feeling around and felt the spot next to himself empty. He opened his eyes and looked at that cold, empty spot, where his lover from last night should have been and grit his teeth.

_So, you are officially fucked up. Doing the same fucking mistake twice in a month with the same guy. That’s a new record, even for you, Kev._

He punched the mattress, already feeling the tears leaking out of his eyes. _Stop crying, you idiot, it’s your fucking fault for mistaking a good old role around for something deeper._

“So, I was looking for flour, but even the system you set up in the kitchen makes no sense whatever, Kev.”

And that’s how the center of his upcoming breakdown strolled into his bedroom as if he just belonged there. Kevin must have stared at him stupidly for too long, because Javi’s trailed off by the end, taking one sharp look at those damned tears watering up his eyes.

“Kev, what’s going on?” He did not snap, his voice unusually soft.

“Uh!” _Yeah, and they call you the eloquent one._ He pinched his closed eyes, until he saw stars. _Pull yourself together man, he is not proposing._

Besides him the mattress dipped, and when he opened his eyes again, Javi lay right beside him, his hand reaching out softly, removing a stray tear from his face with the softest of smiles. “There, better?” Even his voice was soft and calm and all of his attention was aimed at him alone. All Kevin felt up to was a nod of his head and then felt more tears following up.

_Great, you developed back into a five-year old. Keep doing that and he will think twice._

“No, Kev, none of that,” Javi interrupted him softly. Kevin gave him another deer in the headlights look, to which Javi responded by opening up his arms and Kevin scooted closer, keen on a quick cuddle and hiding away the tears.

“Shh, it’s okay, babe. Was just hoping to wake you up with a breakfast,” Javi whispered into his hair, stroking his back, when he started to sniffle on top of that.

“I’m sorry--,” Kev started, feeling the heat come up his face, but again, Javi shook his head. “None of that either, corazón,” Javi said, hugging him tightly to his bare chest. “I should have known better. I’m here though, not going anywhere, just enjoying a lazy Sundaymorning with the boyfriend.”

His anxiety bubbled out of Kevin in a shaky laugh. That seemed to be a signal for Javi to kiss his head several times and hug him closer. He would have to file that away for later purposes.

“You know, my dad will not be happy.” Javi chuckled, the movement rumbling through both of them. “I think he once called you ‘that asshole you hooked up with’.”

_Outch! Well, Frank was a rough guy, cop of thirty years in the NY-streets. Fair enough._

“Well, at least, it was not just the typical ‘a guy’.”

Kevin shrugged and moved away a bit. “Nah, he freaked out a bit, when I was 16, but then I did not run away to become a travesty artist or study ballet.”

“And even that, he would have accepted,” Javi concluded. When Kevin wanted to talk back, Javi pushed on. “Your old man is tough, Kevin, but you are is only son and there was never a doubt that he loves you no matter what.”

There was more heat behind it then he intended, so Kevin looked up at the evident frown. “I’m sorry, I shouldn't have started on that. I’m sure he will be okay eventually. I mean, if we decide that you come to my parents. I did not mean right away.”

Thankfully Javi shut him up with a kiss. “Babe, we can and will visit your family soon. As we will tell our superiors about this. And the rest, we will figure out. You and me, as partners.”

And yeah, they eventually went down to Kevin’s parents, which his Dad commented with a dry “You again.” and his Mom with a pleased smile. Well, the whispered “Break my son’s heart again and I’ll make you regret it, Javier.” while she hugged him, was a bit frightening, but when Kevin turned in the hallway to grab his hand and drag him to dinner, he could not find himself caring too much.

Two years later, Kevin stood at the murderboard and cleaned it down after another case closed. “Hey, Ryan, you and Espo up for a round at the Haunt tonight?”

Kevin chuckled, turning only slightly. “Let me check back with Javi.”

“Ah, come on, Ry. We both know, what you want, the hubby wants, too. You even convinced the Captain back then that you could be partnered.”

Rolling his eyes, Kevin filed away the pictures. “First of all, we are well aware you called the mayor and Javi and I are not married, or even engaged.”

Castle waved his hand at him. “Your tough ex-special-forces boyfriend will drop the question of questions any time soon. In fact, if you would hint at it, I’m sure he would take you to the beach for the next full moon and pop the question,” he stated and followed Kevin to his desk.

“I’m not helping you win your bet, Castle. And, why is he the one proposing?”

“Well--” Castle fidgeted under Kevin’s glare. ”Because, Kevin, he still wants to prove he can be and is the considerate and thoughtful boyfriend you think him to be.”

“Uh uhm,” Kevin said, already looking at his files again, which he now put into different folders.

“Think about it. I know you would love it.”

Finally, Kevin did look up, but with a very obvious glare. “What I would love right now is to file away those pictures in peace,” he then said dryly.

“Yeah, but--.”

“Castle!” Now, he sounded annoyed, when he lost track what he put where.

“Yo, you annoying my partner, writer boy?” Espo stood right behind, out of nowhere, like he liked to do and that totally, in Castle’s eyes, legitimated his unmanly scream.

“Jesus, Espo, would you not?”

Espo still glared, but Castle knew the hard-strung cop well enough by now to see the slight smirk. “Relax, ‘Zito, I was not annoying Kevin. In fact I was proposing--.”

“You were not annoying to my partner, but you were proposing to my boyfriend. Now, that’s a story I’d really like to hear,” Espo interrupted and saw Kevin chuckle into his cup of coffee. “Do I need to fight writer-monkey over you, Ryan?”

Kevin put his cup down again and wiggled his head in mock contemplation. “Nah, I think I’ll go with the usual: dark, brooding, handsome.”

With a chuckle, Espo squeezed his shoulder and hugged his partner to his side in a rare display of affection on the job. “And that’s my cue to leave,” Castle quipped, knowing the induendo would follow soon.

“They at it again?” Kate smiled at him and Castle grinned. “About to. I think I might win the bet.”

They heard a whistle, then Kevin hold his thumb up and showed a seven. Castle hold his own thumb up.

Both detectives waved their hands at their two friends, strolling towards the elevator, Kevin laughing out loud at something Espo said.

“Nah, Castle, 10 that I will.”

“Uh, a bet on a bet, my my detective, I’m scandalized. And you are on.”

Down in the garage, Kevin and Javier got into the car, Kevin in the co-pilot seat.

“You’re gonna tell me if I actually have to murder Castle or do I have to shoot him on principle?” Javier asked casually, while pulling out of their spot, earning a delighted laughter from Kevin.

“He wants to win that bet.”

Javier gave him a startled glance. Kevin knew about that bet? “The bet? The one, where they set a date for my proposal to you?”

Kevin looked outside the window, probably wondering if there might be rain or not. “That’s the one.”

Great. Of course he did. He was a detective after all. A very fine one on top of that. He just had hoped he could do it on their terms, their colleagues already too involved in so many mile stones in their life. He had meant to propose once they caught a break, maybe holidays, just the two of them.

“You know, Kevin, just say the word and I’ll pull over and do it right there and then.”

To that Kevin smiled and leaned over for a distracting kiss. “Yeah, I know. For now, I would like to take a quick shower and then a night out with the rest.”

He sounded so calm, Javier had the nagging feeling that Kevin might know about his plans, so he pushed on a bit, trying not to loose all his concentration towards the traffic. “And what about the rest?”

“The rest, my dear, will take care of itself.”

Javier smiled at the traffic. Yeah, it probably will and as long as Kevin was in it, it would be fine.


End file.
